As Much As This Sucks, I Still Care

A little over a year ago, I broke down in front of my AP English class and my reputation was “ruined”. I messed up on the assignment and I lost the trust of my fellow peers and my AP English teacher. We were expected to give a public speech of “Where are you now, and where are you going” as one of our last assignment as Seniors. However, my emotions got the best of me and instead, I reflected on all the negative things that had happened to me in the past four years that led me to be angry, confused, stressed, etc. I cussed, I yelled, I cried when I gave that speech. My spirit was broken and I let it out in the wrong place and wrong time.

Although my teacher didn’t grade that speech as part of the assignment, he told me to give an apology speech to the class after I realized what I have done. And so I did, with my heart in the right place and my mind cleared up. I also wrote him an apology letter saying how sorry I was that I had did that to his class and to his trust in me.

By the end of the school year, and maybe 6 months afterwards, I still wonder. I wonder if he ever forgave me. And so, I e-mailed him after R.E Congress in LA to see if we can have some closure and to state briefly how I am at Irvine, etc. However, he never replied back. (Note: And I do know that he received my e-mail) I let it slide because things like these shouldn’t eat me up to 75% of my energy. It’s still in the back of my mind and if he chooses to not forgive me, it’s fine. I probably deserve it. However, I just can’t help to think that he is a Christian and with any religion we all strive to be the better person and to forgive, etc. Maybe he just needs more time. And I probably do know that he holds a grudge on me, but all I can do is wait, be patient and hope that he can come around.

The story isn’t over yet. I never imagined how this situation can trickle down and affect another close relationship I have with my Drama teacher in High School. So rumors go, my Drama teacher is dating my AP English teacher. In the past, my teacher and I have kept in touch now and then through e-mail and she has always eagerly e-mailed me back and asking how’s life, etc. After I sent that e-mail to my English teacher asking for closure and he didn’t respond back to me, so did my Drama teacher as well. I e-mailed her about something, but her response wasn’t there. It makes me think that he told her about my outburst in his class and I don’t know how she feels about it. It’s understandable that she may be mad at me because of what I did, so hurtful to someone so dear and close to her.

I can only hope that she would listen to my side of the story before she makes her final judgment on me. She is someone I look up to and someone who I can relate to. I respect her a lot and I hope she has not lost her respect in me.