Going Big

Listening to this radio station for one of my homework assignments for my education class.  The first story is about “Going Big” to help the community.  The second story is about an individual who hires a musician to come and sing at his living room to save his rocky relationship with his girlfriend.  The third story is about a daughter who goes all out to get to know her mother who is in jail and attempts to go to jail to be with her mother.

http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/player/CPRadio_player.php?podcast=http://www.thisamericanlife.org/xmlfeeds/364.xml&proxyloc=http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/player/customproxy.php

An Oldie Becomes a Challenging Goodie

Today was the first day I went back to Project MotiVATe to volunteer.  I have been absent to the community for almost a year.  Needless to say the mentees that needed help have graduated from high school and the mentors who have dedicated so much time to their mentees have moved on and passed the torch to new mentors.

Despite all the changes, the program is still the same.  Wednesday nights 6:00PM-6:30PM check-in.  6:30PM-9PM study hall where mentors and volunteers help our mentees through their school work and prepare them to graduate from high school and to go to college.  For the past 2 on-and-off years of volunteering at P.M, I have never encountered much struggle to motivate the mentees.  It was probably because most of them have been in the program and knows that they have a support system.  Therefore, it was easier for me to encourage them to keep on task during the three hours.

Today I met one of the new mentees.  Like the rest of the mentees, she’s not doing too well in school and there is a lot going on in her life.  I did what I always do to encourage and “inspire” them to do their work.  However, she had a list of reasons not to do her homework today, and I had my list of reasons why she should do her homework.  I told her that she’s very fortunate to be here and that if she ever needed help or anything there are so many resources at Project MotiVATe that she can find the help.  For all the positive reasons I told her to accomplish it, she had all the negative reasons ready and determined to be still unmotivated to complete the assignment.

It broke my heart to see it in her attitude, her eyes, her actions, and her body language.  I straight up gave her a lecture to help her try to understand what and why people come to help out at Project MotiVATe.  Then it became a bigger deal, she shared a piece of her world to me and it unlocked one tiny piece for me to be part of.  I then saw the brokenness she had inside of her, the despite of her mom, the irresponsible dad, etc. She told me that it wasn’t what I thought and there is so much more that I won’t ever know.  She then asked for my number and I told her that I have unlimited text and that she could tell me about it anytime.

On the way back home from Project MotiVATe, I texted her and I made a promise to be there for her to my best ability.  I told her I may be able not to understand or help you get out of the situation, but I will be here to listen and to help you get through it.  I don’t have to be your friend, but know that if you need to vent about something, I am one text or phone call away and I do respond back.

For a long time now I have been searching for God’s grace and presence for over a year.  I used to be able to think that I could conquer the world and save multiple lives at a time. Now it feels like a blur and I am at lost.

I would trade part of my happiness for her brokenness so that she can be a little bit more happy, even if it’s just for a minute.  It’s funny how unconditional love just appears like that and that’s perhaps one of my strongest characteristics.

I Have Good Instincts

I miss my Drama 130A class.  It was definitely one of the most scariest classes I have ever took to push and challenge myself as a performer/actor.  I am glad that I took it with Adrian because he still scares the bejezzes out of me because he looks intimidating and he’s honest about what he sees and such.  I was really struggling through out the 5 weeks to be the best that I can be because it is intermediate acting, it’s no longer I can wing my way through this.  I have to be prepared and I have to know my goals, objectives and beats.  I have to know what my character wants, how am I going to affect my scene partner, what are the thoughts running though my mind, and how do I know if I do get what I want from my scene partner.

I’m happy to say that during my last scene work, he was able to give me good criticism as well as the news that has probably given me new confidence in my acting.  All along I have been waiting for someone credible to tell me that “Jessica you are good at acting” in order to pursuit this passion.  I have never been able to keep up with others in my class who may have performed in more shows than I have.  All I had were my high school class and a desire and curiosity to be good at this craft.

It really meant a lot to me when he said, “You have good instincts, just slow down your moments.”  Because one, he would not just say it to everyone in the class and two, he is honest and would never jerk you around like that.  He has renewed my faith in my acting and this is what I strive for.

Last year I hesitated to sign up for Mega Auditions for UCI, this year I screamed when I recieved the e-mail to notify students to sign up.  I signed up in a heartbeat.  I want to perform on stage with my fellow peers this year.  I want to make it happen.  I am going to make it happen this year.  Small or big part, I just want to be up there.

Discernment. Coordinators. Hat Cai

Stupid I know to be posting my feelings on here when everyone else can read this.  However, I just need to get it off my chest before I continue to work on my research paper.  If not, I know I will not do well on it.  So I did not get nominated to go into discernment night, which is one step closer to becoming a coordinator for Hat Cai.  To be honest, my heart dropped when Van erased my name off the white board.  Initial reactions?  Greedy for thinking and concerning with my feelings of sadness, indifferent, curious, and confused.  Then a relief in sigh because I told myself  if I was not nominated, I would focus more on my acting for next year too.

Now that I have that option, I don’t know if I feel better about it.  I mean it’s something that I love to do, but is my love for acting greater than my love for Hat Cai?  Not sure, probably not, totally lost.  All I know is that through acting and drama classes I learn more about myself, in how I speak, in how I act, the emotions I get, and I try to bring whatever I have learned into my meetings so that I can share it with others.  I don’t want to say that my care and effort I have put into the group is lost.  It’s probably not.  It’ll still be always there.  But hey, what can I say… I’m still human.  Religion does give you that great doubt in everything if anything.

I’m happy for Chris, Mary, and Kevin who are nominated.  They are great people and I’m sure whoever God calls upon, will do a good job in leading Hat Cai .  All I can hope for now is understanding, which is the best I can hope for.  I would want to know why, not in hopes for next year to be nominated, okay truthfully, just a little, but in general to understand myself better and what I can do to improve.  All I can do is learn from others and from myself.

Being upset about this is better than not being upset.  It just means I care, and that’s good enough of a reason for me to believe in the emotions that I am going through right now.

God is calling me to a different path.  It’s my turn now to listen.

Trust in the slow works of the Lord.

Friendships

If you could, would you celebrate your friendships on the day you met your friend?  If you could pin point that exact date and time, would you?  I would.

Why is that we celebrate birthdays and anniversaries with loved ones, but not with friends that also have impacted your life small or big?

This got me thinking the other day when I realized one of my closest friend and I are drifting apart.  I freaked.  I freaked because I didn’t know what to do or why he would be acting like that.  I didn’t know if it was my fault or his or if there was a reason.  I think we both knew that it was a fact that we couldn’t hang out as much and such this quarter because of both our busy schedules.  Yet something still kept us together.  I’m glad that he went to Tet Party.  Although it may have been a 5-10 min conversation kneeling on my knees, we knew then we still both cherished this friendship.  I began to think when was that day that we met last year?  Because I wanted to celebrate our one year friendship.  This friend of mine, whom I call a brother.  April 18.  Whether he knows it our not, when that date comes around something is going to happen.  We may not get to hang out that day, but I hope to show my appreciation to him on that day.

So I’m asking you again, if you could, would you?